Its a new day and a fresh start! Well, I would love to think so anyway :)
So I am a little on the tired side due to a late nights rest but I just had a wonderful breakfast - so hopefully that will energize me up!

Had the scare of my life this morning thinking that either I lost, misplaced or had my camera stolen. But luckily I left it at a friends house! Phew.

Some more good news, I have a lead on a job :) which is a blessing from Heaven! I really need a new change of scenery in my life at this point. All in all things seem to be getting better. Still going through emotional and spiritual growth spurts but I love the life lessons that God is teaching me. It's amazing to know that God cares so much about me that He desires to mold me and make me better.

I have started attending a fellowship group that is apart of our church, and a very profound statement was said a couple weeks ago. We were all talking about the trials we go through and a lot of times how we question God's purpose and reasoning behind it all. And the answer is: "God is more concerned with your character than with your comfort". That has resonated with me ever since :).
**
I have been thinking a lot about my dreams and aspirations lately and there is so much that I want to do with my life and with mine and my husband's life.

I want to get to the point where I can work from home. I really want to start my own business. I absolutely LOVE to throw parties and plan out events. I go all out from the invitations to the silverware lol. Its something that I really love doing and I want to do it full time.

I love making jewelry and doing photography. I love baking cakes and doing intricate design work with my culinary skills. I have actually started up two sister blogs :) For my jewelry I started nicolelizabetholguincreations.blogspot.com and for mine and my husband's culinary artwork I have created gnculinarydesigns.blogspot.com. They are both new and under construction but I plan on doing a lot with them :).

I want to switch my major to HRTM because I want to start my own bakery or party planning business. I also LOVE to wedding plan! I absolutely love weddings and that's also a venue that I am thinking of entering. I will have to post pictures up of my wedding soon :) we had an amazing photographer. If any of you are looking for one here locally her name is Elise Taylor (Taylor'd Photography).

I also can't wait to finish paying off our debt. I want a hot-pink hard top Jeep ;)

There is one like this in town that I have seen and I love it :)

And my hubby said I can have one! and he would actually ride it!!! :))) He said that we will make bumper stickers that say on one side "My Wife's Jeep" and then on the other side it will say "My husband loves me so much he let me get this jeep!" Lol.

I also can't wait to move into a home, even if its a rental. I love my cute apartment and its pool and fireplace but I want a personal backyard. I want to be able to paint the walls if I want to :) 

I am really starving to move away to another city.  I want to break free from everything here. I want to live life on my own and independently. I would like to think that the things that are stopping me are my surrounding and the mindset of the people here. But I make sure to question myself and see if it is my own mindset that makes me feel like some things can't be accomplished now. I am not wanting to run from issues, I simply want a better environment. And I want an opportunity to really grow and force myself to be self dependent. I want to be more bold. And sometimes you just need to jump and let go :) that's what I desire to do.

I guess I will end for now until I get an itch to write again :)

♥nicole

Stretched.

God has been teaching me so much in the last 8 months of marriage. I never would have thought that living with another person would teach you so much about yourself as an individual. One thing I have learned through consequences, good or bad, about myself is that I am a very guarded individual. I love things to be my way (I learned that from my very independent Momma) and I am a neat freak. I don't like to argue and I like to process everything internally before I speak (which kills my husband) but I don't ever wanna say anything I will regret; and I also wanna make sure I'm really articulating in a correct way how I am feeling.

I have learned that I have been hurt way too many times (and in all reality who hasn't?) than I would like; and it affects how easily I open up to people. I have seen people that I love dearly walk in and out of my life- which has devastated me because I never thought these people would judge me for my faults or turn their back on me. It always seems to be the case that once I finally let my guard down to someone who seems worthy of my trust and has passed all my 'tests' that they pull a Trojan Horse on me and hurt me when I let my guard down. (Don't worry- this blog post will not be a pitty party). 

So- how do I stop this from affecting every relationship in my life? In my mind I know that if I keep my guard up- I will lose everything that is dear to me- true, deep, open honest relationships with those that I love the most. It is easy to state that not every person is the same so no one should have to pay the price for another's mistake- but let's be honest- is that really possible? At the same time, doesn't the Bible instruct us to:Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. (KJV) Proverbs 4:23.

So when is guarding your heart right and wrong? That is one of my struggles. And I fight for it not to affect the beautiful marriage that I have with my husband.When is it guarding your heart and when is it placing walls around your heart? I guess its in the motive. Are you guarding your heart out of wisdom or fear? I think for me lately it has been the latter. And perfect love casts out fear- so that is something I really need to work on.

I am learning that when I do love, I love with all of my heart. I go to the farthest lengths to express how much a person means to me. I will give up everything I have if it means true happiness to the ones that I love. It's here that I need to make sure that I don't give my heart to the wrong people. I believe it happens to everyone; and in the end I think it makes you a stronger person to come out alive and have more wisdom. We can never grow to be fully nourished adults if all we drink is baby formula right? 

I also have learned that I struggle to be the bold woman that God has called me to be. My husband has been called to be a Youth Pastor- and although it was a calling that I always imagined over my husband as a young girl it scares me. I don't really understand why. I was on the Youth Board growing up. I loved planning awesome services and hanging out and meeting new people. When did I change? Have those desires died in me- is my burden gone? My life shattered when my brother passed away- and all of my passions dwindled. Is that when all of this change in me happened? Was I always this introverted and to myself? Partially yes, and partially no. The difference now is my purpose behind it.

I am a bit like Moses, I am terrified to speak in front of people- especially about deep meaningful  things. And I am called to be a Youth Pastor's wife? Lol. I am afraid to let God take me out of my comfort zone. I mean, Lord don't you see that I will have to lead young ladies- are you sure you have this right?? Lol :) I probably have more insecurities than they do- if not the same. So how can I lead them if I have the same struggles? Growing up I never was allowed to do a lot of the things that normal kids do (i.e. cut my hair, go to the movies, wear pants/jewelry/make-up etc.) so how can I relate? My husband was my first boyfriend and my first kiss at the age of 21. Can they seriously relate to me? But I guess that's when its where you stop asking God why and you just trust Him. Which is what these last 8 months of marriage have been teaching me.And let me tell you- I have been stretched. But I want to be molded like miry clay before the Lord.How can I lead these girls if I haven't been there before to lead the way? So much faith is required in where God has called me to be- and it is terrifying- yet so amazingly beautiful and awe-inspiring at the same time.

What was it in me that made God call me to such a great position? And what in me made Him- my creator and savior- trust me with such a great calling? If it were for my self esteem and for my self confidence- then I would only be half called, because God knows everyone struggles with those areas from time to time.

I have learned that over the past four years I have lost the balance of passion in my life- and I am proud to say that it is something that I am regaining- slowly but surely :). After my brother died (and fyi- you will hear me reference him a lot. Not out of sorrow or for desire of pity- but because he was the most amazing brother and he means a lot to me) I slowly lost all of my passions that I shared with him and he was so proud of. I slowly stopped drawing and painting. I quit photography all together even though my skills were truly being honed and rather perfected. I quit writing. There may be 5 journal  entries in my last diary after his death.

All the things that kept me alive died after time- and so did my joy and balance with it.But my amazing, faithful God has begun to set the good work again in motion :) and I can feel the joy beginning to merge again within my soul.

***

If I am real with you- I find it hard to give my heart away- because it was taken from me from one day to the next. I went from being the most innocent, carefree spirited girl that had everything to wake up and in the middle of painting my house get the most horrible call I would ever imagined. My brother committed suicide. I remember getting there and seeing the cops, not knowing what was going on. I figured it was a family fight that got out of hand. Then, seeing a crowd of tears I am told "Chuck's dead". I screamed the most painful scream that has ever left my body as I fell on my knees on the sidewalk. It felt like I woke up to the most horrific nightmare. Was this really happening? Could this really be real?? I wanted to see him. To hug him and pray life back into him. My family has been shattered since. Healing has yet to fully take place.

And it was then that I struggle with trusting life itself. I was painting and dancing around my house singing with my mom as we painted - and from that happiness in seconds it was all stripped away. I am scared to be truly happy because I feel like if I allow myself to get to that place again then something bad will happen all over again. It's not the most logical reasoning- but nothing really is when you have a deep emotional wound. I won't even call it a scar because I know it's not fully healed yet.

It is because of this that I struggle with joy. And it hurts when people don't understand. 

It is for this cause that I guard myself so deeply.

But I am on my healing road. And I know that when I get to Heaven, if my healing does not fully take place

that God will wipe the last tear to ever fall from my face :)

***

I miss my brother deeply, but at the same time- I am grateful that I now know how to pray for those who mourn and for those who have lost. Although this has caused me great pain, if I can use it to exemplify Christ than I am honored that more glory and honor can be given to His name.

People claim me to be unsocial- but they don't know my story or what goes on in my heart and my mind. 

Loosing Chuck has caused me to be more forgiving to those who assume without knowing the cost of someones character and personality.

I am now able to reach the lone wolves who feel like no one understands, because I too have been in that place.

***

I guess God see's the best in me :) and I am excited to begin to let that shine once again.

I am ready to let go and allow God to pour His amazing joy back into my soul.

I am SOOOOOO excited to go camping!

I feel like that will be great for me :)

This is where I'm going! Isn't it beautiful!!!!!!!! :) So I hope to take a lot of picture and have an amazing time! 4 days out with just nature, my husband and family and God :) Sounds great to me!

Well that will end this blog for today... unless I get an itch to add another :)

Much love,

♥nicole

Testing of Character.

Needless to say..yesterday was a BIG test of character. And I admit I failed most of it. But the positive things is that even though I may fail one test it does not determine the rest of my path.

SO..to share what happened.
Last week we ordered a car part through an auto-part company. Our ignition key and tumbler needed to be replaced so we ordered it and my husband asked the girl that worked there if it came already programmed. She told us that it did so we got it in this weekend and were finally able to install it yesterday.

You probably guessed it, needless to say: IT WAS NOT PROGRAMMED! And after we installed it, due to the types of bolts that came with the part, for anti-theft reasons they are not easy to remove.

So my husband called the auto-store and they told us that there was nothing they could do for us. There was no manager that we could speak to, and when my father-in-law asked when we could go speak to a manager they were extremely rude, which did not make things any better.

I called a mechanic that I trust but he doesn't do what we needed done so it was no help. So luckily, my father-in-law and husband were able to find a way to get it running but the problem still needs to be fixed and of course, cost more money; but we are blessed and my father-in-law might help us with the cost.

My temper was off the charts. I wanted so bad to cuss them out and wanted someone to have to pay for the mess and for the lack of customer service. That is how I failed the test. I was so angry; and although I had reason to be I am not quite sure I handled my emotions to the best of my ability. I didn't cuss or do anything- but my heart desired it so much it was just as if I would have said it aloud.

I would not have been angry should they had told us before that we needed to get it programmed. Then we would have done it before installing it; but due to their mistake we installed it with no way of undoing it and were left with our only car unable to start. And the rude attitude of the employee that talked to us did not help the matter at all.
***
So now that I am done venting, let me turn around and declare all the blessings that came out of the situation.

• I am alive and well. Yeah the situation sucked, but at least no one was injured and we both were still able to come to work today.
• We have an amazing Dad who was able to help us and had all the necessary tools to install the part- eliminating cost of labor which would have been more expensive if we took it somewhere.
• I am blessed to even have a car to have troubles with. Many people don't have anything or have means to fix it or have someone who can help them for free.
• All in all I am blessed. I am alive and well, I had breakfast this morning and I have lunch in the fridge. I have everything I need to be happy.

***

It can be really hard to be positive sometimes when things just keep coming up. We really wanted to go camping but were advised not to cause of our car. Me and my hubby really wanna go but I am remaining positive regarding whatever outcome. I am even thinking that maybe I can plan a nice weekend with my hubby :) who knows?

In everything I am trying to learn how to have a happy heart. I want the mindset that no matter what I go through- I am blessed because I have Jesus. He is my everything. So many times I get caught in the things of this world and I rely on the world to much to meet my every need. I begin to depend on my job for my income, when God is my provider and my source of strength. I have grown to allow my circumstance to dictate my joy and that is so backwards. 

After losing Chuck it has been a really big battle to be truly happy. Gabriel has been my biggest blessing in that aspect. It is weird, after you lose someone so significant to you- it starts to feel like you can't live without sadness or worry. After awhile for me- if those two things weren't in the picture then something was wrong. I mean- how can I be truly happy if he isn't here? What a slap in the face to the love that I have for my brother. If he means so much to me then how can I just "move on"? It came to the point to where deep down, without even realizing it I felt that if I wasn't missing him or if I truly allowed myself to be happy again then I was betraying him. That if I truly let go of all the pain, then he would slowly fade away because it began to felt like the pain I carried was all that I had left of him.

It has been a real struggle since he's died. But with an AMAZING God and an amazing husband I have come to begin to find healing through it all.

One thing I can say about my husband is: He brought laughter and smile back into my life. He has such a precious and beautiful soul and it captivates mine. I don't know where I would be today if God didn't bring him into my life when He did. And to be honest- with the depression that I faced- maybe I wouldn' t be here today if God wouldn't have brought him into my life when He did.

***

In all things I want to be infectious with the Joy of the Lord. I want that true unattainable joy regardless of what is going on around me. Though waters may come against me and fires may try to burn me I want my soul to truly be rest assured that MY GOD will come and be a standard before me. There is no one like My God. Who created the Earth but Him? And who set the Earth and the planets in motion but HIM?? So if that be the case then why, when my world seems crashing down and everything seems to slip that I can not always find it in myself to completely and utterly trust in Him? The one who knows the very numbers on my head and promised that He will never leave me or forsake me.

THAT, is the God I serve! And I pray that more and more each day may I stand un-blinded and know that my God will always take care of me. And may I always give Him the full glory that is due unto His wonderful and precious Name.

****

I love you Lord, and I thank you for being the most amazing Prince that rescues me and brings me to Your Glory.

I love you Lord SO much,

May I always bring a smile to Your face and bring joy to Your heart,

♥ your daughter,

Nicole.

On My Mind Today..

Life is grand...


So much on my mind today.
And luckily not everything is bad :) I had an extremely busy weekend but I spent it enjoyably with those that I love. Monika and Mari are in town from their missionary trips to Hong Kong and Jamaica and it has been so great having them over!

***
Baby? Not this time :)

Had another 'pregnancy scare' this weekend and it brought my mind to so many things. I was pleased to find that I wasn't sad or disappointed with the results. I am coming to a place where I know that God has everything under control, even though as human I do tend to worry sometimes. I know we will have a baby in His timing. Just tired of the false alarms! Lol :)

To be quite honest, I am glad we still have time to do things together. This weekend has brought so many thoughts to my mind about where I wanna be and what I want to see in life before I have children. Me and Gabriel have been talking and we both really want to move away. I want to experience life out of my shell, at least for a year or two.

Living in a small town is great, but I want to break free and follow my dreams- and the dreams that my husband and I have for us. Its kind of hard to be a young couple in a family. Sometimes it feels like no one takes us seriously. People still dump things on us assuming we don't have a life or a schedule- or even considering if we want our own time together.

I think it would be great for our marriage for us to move away someplace where its just me and him. To only really have God and each other to rely on. What an amazing leap of faith and deepening of friendship.

I would LOVE a change of scenery. I want to live someplace where a nice, big lake or a beautiful beach is in driving range. I would love to live somewhere where there is natural greenery. I think that would be so fun :) I just want to break out of this small-town mindset. The world is there waiting for us to explore it and I want to really take it for a ride ♥.

So..I will begin looking at different cities to move to :) it may take a year or two but its worth the wait! I'm just excited to see what me and Gabriel are capable of!!

***

Our cute little apartment is finally coming together after 8 months! :) bought some new furniture to start building up that second room. I am so excited for it. Its taken quite awhile but we are finally getting things together. I made a joke this weekend that its cause I finally have my hubby in check LOL. :) but it really has been a challenge living with a boy. It was me and my mom for forever and we were both neat freaks- so this has been a new experience. To me dusty = dirty and everything should have its own place. My husband is more of a 'clean pile' and 'dirty pile' kind of guy. But it keeps us balanced most of the time :) I think after 8 months he's finally starting to catch my drift lol.

He has been an amazing blessing in my life, stinky feet and all :) I can already see the growth in our marriage and its amazing to see how far we've come and how far we still have to go- but I am in for a lifetime ride.

***
Fun news: I am going camping for the first time ever in two weeks and I'm uber excited! I hope I'm not a diva when we go out there LOL. I'm looking forward to getting some time away and taking some nice pictures. I miss photography and really need to take it up again. I think its silly how we let life and schedules get in the way of what we love.So hopefully I will have a chance to post great pics :) I'm a little nervous but I can use some amazing time off.

***

So many exciting things are happening for me and Gabriel and I can't wait to embrace life and see what it has next! God has been so amazing to us and I pray that everyday we trust Him to the fullest and life that life that He has called over us.

That's all for now :)

A little bit about me... :)

Well hello there everyone! My name is Nicole♥. And there is so much that my heart has to share, and I know I can't share it all in this post. This is my first personal blog ever, so hang in for a ride :) I love everything that God is doing in my life. I have SO much to be thankful for. I have been blessed with a wonderful husband and I couldn't thank God more for bringing him into my life. I am 8 months married and it has been a beautiful blessing :) I am amazed at what God is doing in my heart and to Him I am forever grateful. It is such an adventure to venture out in life with my husband and amazing friends. We are blessed with a cute little apartment and I am loving making my life my home. God is teaching me a lot about growing up and I am loving the ride!

This is just a little sneak peak of what is to come :)  I'll end this for now, but know that this is just the beginning.

Nicole♥