No Income and Three Mouths To Feed

Ok, so I have debated on whether or not to do this post. I am a very private person, and growing up I've always been influenced that you just don't share your life when its not going that great. Well, I've also always been the person that loves things to be perfect, and as a society we are influenced that our lives need to also portray that. We have to keep up with the Jones' right?

So, here it is. 

We're broke. And just had a newborn. 

And trust me, when I say broke there is no exaggeration. My husband lost his job this past month, and while we had our son at the beginning of January we were both already on leave without pay to take care of him. We have maybe $1 in our checking account, no cash (except a couple loose change in Aiden's piggy bank-maybe around $5 if we're lucky) and we are pretty much out of groceries. We haven't been able to pay any of our bills and I have no idea how we are going to pay the car, our insurances and medical premiums, Aiden's weekly doctor visits, groceries, gas, and just the bare necessities.

Our credit scores are now shot, and my biggest fears right now are getting evicted and our car getting repossessed if we can't find a way to keep up with the payments. Our lease is up in May, and I have no idea what our living arrangements will be by then.

Gabriel just got awarded unemployment but it barely covers our rent and not even the car payment. We have no savings. Anything and everything we had we have used while we have been without pay to try and keep up and we've now depleted our accounts.

We have applied for Medicaid for Aiden and are trying to get food stamps, but so far we're being thrown for a loop and haven't been awarded either. 

For the past couple of days I have been at a breaking point. I have a son that I adore and have no way of knowing how I am going to support him. My husband has yet to find a job and I don't know how long it will be until he finds one. Our marriage has been tested and I am not going to deny that the stress has begun to cause a distance between the both of us. Not only is there now an emotional distance between the both of us at times, but not being able to physically reconnect for about another month until the doctor says its okay has also not helped. I miss my husband, and it is so hard to feel like he is so close yet so far away.

Its so hard not to cry as I write this. 

I wish I new how to fix our life and our situation. 

I know that God's word says that all things work together for my good because I love the Lord, but I have had my moments where my faith has not been so strong, and I can't help but wonder when God is going to open up the windows of Heaven like His word promises.

I have to believe that what I am going through has a purpose. It is the only thing that is keeping me sane. There is no way that this pain is in vain. 

In my moments where my faith is strong I feel blessed, that God Himself would trust me enough with this trial and that He would trust that through it I would remain faithful. If He only gives us what we can handle, then I guess I am one of the strongest women that I know {and I don't even know it}.

But in my moments when I am weak I can't help but let the thought cross my mind that maybe I am just a screw up and this is somehow what I deserve. 

Slowly since August of last year my pregnancy began to take my out of work due to sciatic problems, and since then some of our bills have been going unpaid. Not to mention the costly dental visits that I had to take due to my pregnancy hormones affecting my gums. {I am so glad that that is finally over with}.

The stress of bill collectors calling and not being able to give them an answer as to when I can make our next payment has done a number on me too. I was never in this situation before. I was the young adult that paid her bills early, almost had a 700 credit score and had it 'all together'. 

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I can not deny that although my faith is hanging on {even if at times it is by a thread} that there are times where I am so ashamed of where we are at. This was never who I was, and I have moments where I feel like this situation and circumstance that I am now in defines who I am.

There are days where it feels like it may never change.

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But I have to believe that there is someone out there that God is using me to touch. I have to believe that I am going through this, so that way I can give hope to someone else when in the end they see that God sees me through.

I just want to be debt free. If there is anything that God could grant me, that would be my wish.

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I wonder if maybe I am in this situation because without it, then maybe there would be no other way I would take the necessary path to get to the destination that God wants me to be at.

So, I have made a goal for myself for this year, and it is to help not only with our finances but to also change the mindset and the need of instant gratification.

My goal for the rest of this year: NO SHOPPING. 

I feel like so many times we don't even appreciate what we own and our need for new things is because we become consumed with the message that the world sends us on what we need to be gratified. That is also why I am doing the "Shoe Of The Day" section of my blog. It is a way to appreciate what I have and actually use all that I have in my wardrobe.

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I also wonder if maybe this situation is here so that I can learn so much financially and help others. Maybe I will be the next budget queen and help others take steps to get themselves out of binds just like the ones I am in right now.

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Whatever the purpose of this is, I pray that God give me the strength to endure and that I not fail. I want to pass this test, and I can't wait for the day where I can share our victories and look back on this and glorify God in how he helped us over come.

Well, thank you for letting me be real.

xo,

N